I guess the title of this post could be misaligned. All my posts are honest posts, but this one is a little different. While my home and household is mostly full of fun, adventures, and focused on positive things there are times when things get stressful and I find myself feeling lost as a wife and mother.
This past week has been one of those times.
Cristian is a sales manager for the company he works for. He's only worked there about 2 years but through hard work and his natural ability to excel faster then usual he has made great steps forward with his job. We've known for awhile now he might be asked to take another big step and become a store manager in a different area of the state. It was promised to him the beginning of this year but with rumors flying about stores shutting down, his boss talking of finding another job, stories about overall changes in the company it simply didn't pan out. It kept being brought up as a possibility, always in the "near" future but then weeks would go by and we'd hear nothing about it.
It became something both Cristian and I would hear about, and it was quietly put under the rug, as well, not something that would be happening sometime soon despite what everyone kept saying. I think I stopped actively planning for it because honestly, the thought of having a last minute notice with only days for Cristian to decide if the opportunity was worth it, the thought of having only mere weeks to pack up our household, find another home to rent, and get settled was incredibly stressful for me. And I don't think I honestly believed all the hype it would go down like that. I figured the company would give him a couple of weeks to decide, we'd have some time (not tons but some) to find a house closer to the job and get settled, and actually get some help doing it if it WAS going to be a last minute, short notice decision. I mean I really think that's reasonable, and not at all naïve for the situation.
Nothing ever happened. And it began to feel he may be in his current position for a little bit longer then we both thought, and we were okay with it. We love were we live. We are close to both sets of parents so Violet has quality grandparent time, and aunt/uncle/cousin time. This is very important to me as I didn't have much if any of that growing up.
We decided to make some plans for the year which included our first family vacation. We went for it and had an amazing, much needed vacation in southern Utah. We ended up spending much more then we planned on when on arriving in St. George, the alternator on our car went out. Cristian is a mechanic but of course the thought of bringing along his tools on our vacation was not even considered. It's the first time Cristian has had to pay a mechanic to work on a car in a really long time, which was hard for him. Down several hundred dollars later we still had a fabulous time, though we did not get to Lake Powell to go jet skiing and fishing, and also missed out on going to Zions National Park.
We had planned to also take a vacation/ 2 and 1/2 year belated honeymoon to Colorado the first week of August.
Once back Cristian was offered a job as store manager a little south of SLC. Of course. After blowing money on this trip (which we don't regret, but still. We also paid our current landlord rent ahead of time to get us through till August-so several MORE hundred dollars gone). What was more he had 3 days to decide, and 3 weeks to move down there, with no help mind you- and also driving back and forth 6 days a week (for the coming 2 weeks) down to SLC for last minute training and getting familiar with the customers, area, current employees, and problems that need to be fixed to flip it. All for a salary which was a lot lower then we were expecting. It was still more then we make a year currently, but we were expecting a larger number. They also wouldn't tell us the salary prior to this offer every time Cristian asked. It was always brushed aside for some reason. Shady. Maybe not, but it bothered me greatly.
Initially I wasn't feeling it. Really? 3 days, 3 weeks, no help. I mean this basically left it up to me to somehow get down to SLC, find a place for us, be able to pay a deposit, first and last months rent, pack up our stuff, get it down to SLC, and get settled with my 2 1/2 year old- to an area I'm totally not familiar with- and basically with no available help from Cristian. Also with the salary I wasn't sure we would break even because living expenses (while not much higher then were we are now) are still higher, and in all honesty we would have to purchase another car.
So not feeling it, and a little bit resentful at the time crunch, I did my best to keep my mouth from spouting out all the negative and really give Cristian space to make this decision for himself and for our family.
It was hard to watch.
And meanwhile I'm trying to come up with ways we could make this work. Take out a loan? Sell anything we could? What could we sell, we don't own that many material things. Pick up more hours at my job. Take money out of Violet's education fund.
He spoke to my dad, hoping for some good counsel and advice. He got exactly that and decided to counter offer the initial salary for something a little bit higher and $3000 in advance (which of course we would pay back) to make such a quick move. Shortly after his current boss came over and basically said the exact opposite of what my dad said. I'll tell you what though, he sure had us both sold on the idea by the time he left. But in the back of my head I kept thinking "well, being a salesmen is his job so of course he's good at this". I again did my best to not put some of what his boss had said into real perspective -though I did point out that at 40+ years old we are nowhere near his position in life and are not as secure as he his because his wife also has to work full time to make their ends meet.
I think Cristian took this as me not believing in him, which is totally ridiculous though I can see where that might seem like the case. I didn't try to apologize because I knew he would realize on his own I do believe in him, and was only trying to look at both sides. Going to bed after such a stressful day I had in my head he was going to say yes to this job. I called my own mother for advice and came up with selling a few things, yard sale, more hours in the next 3 weeks at work, and using Violet's education fund. It was hard, but I resigned myself to the fact he would be unhappy and feeling like he'd lost his shot if he didn't take this particular job, being as it was one of the only ones in Utah he would even consider taking. I geared up for the stress the next 3 weeks would unload on myself and my little girl.
Last night he told me he wasn't going to take it. This afternoon during lunch he told me he'd let the administration know he wasn't going to take the position right now but would like to be considered in the future. They told him he could take over this particular store whenever he wants (the current manager apparently is doing a very poor job). I can't explain why stress and total frustration overwhelmed me during these 2 moments. For whatever reason I was and am very bewildered, and feeling wrung out. I tried to tell him I had some ideas of how we could come up with some money to make this happen if he really wanted it, but those ideas were lightly brushed aside. I tried to explain that while, yes, I would be stressed out for the next 3 weeks that we could get through it. I would find us a place. I could pack the house, I could do it. I would be stressed but it would happen. He didn't want that.
I am so confused.
Lunch was not fun today.
He couldn't understand why I was so upset.
And I couldn't explain it to him.
I still can't fully.
As his wife and supporter, I am so lost as to what he wants and what he needs right now.
I know Cristian.
But I don't get him in this situation and it is STRESSING me out.
And maybe it's not even him, maybe it's me.
I want to create a space for him to be confidence and
able to take risks like this job.
He feels as though he doesn't provide enough for us.
I want him to KNOW he does, for himself, because I already know
I don't want him to resent later or just be sad about the fact he didn't take this job now.
I worry about that.
I tried to be as positive as I could throughout this event but maybe I wasn't enough.
Being a wife is hard sometimes.
Knowing my role is hard sometimes.
I need a shaved ice.
