2 Sides To Every Story, And the Effects. Part 1

I'm going to start this post with a warning.

 It is going to be very long.

 Very detailed.

And split into 2 parts

 And is all about my husband's life, in regards to his parents, up until 8 days ago.

 

It's with his permission I write this, and while I am mostly recording it for our own personal history, my blog is public and I know most of my readers are immediate and extended family (I have nothing against you non-family members btw!). This is a peek into his life, and I'll also be recording the effects his family has had on my relationship with Cristian as my husband. That's just inevitable.

 

Up until 3 days ago this is what I knew of Cristian's upbringing. The night Cristian's mom started having contractions she rode the bus, by herself, to the hospital. His dad hadn't been the best supporter and was out drinking the night she went into labor. He wouldn't or couldn't come to the hospital when they made contact and she asked him to. He did show up the next day though. It's really interesting to me that despite this, his mom would use the name his dad picked out for him: Cristian Alexis Navas. It's unclear as to whether ANYONE from her family came to be there with her that August night (although Cristian remembers something about his Aunt), or if she delivered and left the hospital independently with baby Cristian.
 

 He doesn't remember much from his early years. His mom worked full time on a taco truck, and he was making his own meals, at home, by the time he was about 5. As he entered school he would come home, maybe do some school work, and then play video games until about 5pm when his mom came home from work. It's important I note here, he grew up in Compton LA throughout the early 1990's. His mom remembers the Rodney King riots in 1992, and was even affected by the 1994 earthquake there. His mom remembers where they lived as a bad neighborhood. She talked about how she hated walking home at night because being mugged was a frequent occurrence. You'd hear gun shots occasionally and needed to be careful where you went, and what time of day you went there. You couldn't wear blue (solid blue) in his neighborhood because it was a Blood neighborhood. He was never in a gang, but to this day, Cristian's favorite color is red, and his least favorite blue. I've noticed it's not always a conscious thing, it's something which has literally been engrained into him. And I have the perfect example of this-I'll explain a little later on in this post. 

 

It was just him and his mom, for a very long time. Occasionally his mom would get a boyfriend, but none of them lasted until the man she is still with today, and is married to. They have 4 children.

 

Around 7 years old is when he remembers his biological dad starting to write him letters, and sending him gifts/money. Cristian never read the letters, and rarely saw any of money he sent, but what he does remember is his dad calling the house from time to time, and him and his mom getting into it over the phone....every...single...time. It was obviously a good choice they decided to end their  relationship but it's important to note Cristian never responded or even READ any of those letters because of the things his mom, and other family members told him about his dad.

 

That he wasn't there for his mom. That he hadn't tried to have a relationship with Cristian. That if he really cared he would send MORE money, and more gifts. And even more recently (recently as in 5 years), when Cristian graduated from college in California, not far from where his dad lives...why wouldn't he even show up for your graduation?

 

I'm not sure when the letters and gifts stopped coming again, but I know there was a break and it became mostly phone calls on birthdays, etc. The silence was broken again about a month before Cristian and I got married. Another note, I had found out I was pregnant a few months before. He called Cristian on his cellphone. And the first question he asked him was "Are you sure you want to marry this girl?"

 

I was enraged. At least that's how I describe the feeling at the time. But I've realized anger is rarely the primary reaction. Feeling hurt and sad is primary, feeling angry is secondary. Everything I had heard about this guy, and he wants to pop in and suddenly have an opinion about my fiancé's life? He wants to have an opinion about ME? And he wants to buy our unborn child gifts? Who is he to weigh in on who Cristian has fallen in love with, and has asked to marry him (twice, btw). You want to be a father now? This sums up how I felt.

 

He told Cristian he wanted to come over from California to visit. I was open to it, despite the phone call, until a text he sent Cristian just days before getting up into the valley. I won't go into the text. Just know, it was the worst possible thing me, as Cristian's wife (because we were married by this time) could have seen. And for him, it was the worst thing he could have done if we wanted to have ANY chance of a good impression with me. Also, pregnancy hormones. All openness went flying out the door. When he came up from California I wouldn't allowed him in our house. I had a problem with Cristian meeting with his dad, and I wrestled for a long time about whether or not I was going to be okay if he did, and if I would/could go with him/let him go. I'll spare all the dramatic details, because they WERE dramatic, but in the end, after crying one billion tears I didn't want Cristian to have to choose between the 2 of us, and went with Cristian to meet his dad for the first time, and to stand as a united front against this person who had tried to sabotage my new marriage to Cristian.

 

Anyway.

It wasn't a pleasant experience for me. I tried to be at least civil. I was 7-8 month pregnant at this time, bursting with estrogen, already pissed off beyond belief at this guy, and none of the commentary he offered up as we walked around SLC gave me anything positive to go off of. He tried to buy Cristian and I a stroller/car seat for Violet and I told him "No". No way we would be accepting anything for our daughter from this guy. Seriously. He didn't try to get into my good graces, and just as well because there was nothing he could have done to come even CLOSE to that happening.

 

Once he left, I breathed again. Kind of. He wanted to send money, and gifts, and I was suspicious. I felt like those things could potentially be things to hold over us if he ever wanted to see our daughter, technically his grand daughter...and there was no way I was having that either.

Cristian was understanding about all this by the way. Sure, there was tension whenever he was brought up, it was natural, but there was also ongoing tension anyways with me being so close to delivery and our lives being turned upside and backwards soon.  There was enough going on, without this huge...event..steamrolling into our lives. It was never a big enough thing that it caused major major problems though. That would have been stupid.

 

Violet was born, and our lives went on as usual-or not-because of a brand new baby and becoming brand new parents- with only the occasional phone call from Cristian's dad around Christmas time, and rarely out of the blue just so see how things are were going.

3 wonderful years have passed. Good times, bad times. We've grown so much and are continuing to learn more and more about each other. Our lives are filled up with Violet, and routine, and love, and daily grind on goings.

 

8 days ago, Cristian's stepmom passed away.  His dad's wife.

We found out through a strange and indirect way which I won't go into here, but after receiving an ominous FB message (right?) he quickly called his dad. Unfortunately, the news was confirmed as true. I didn't know how to feel, and why should that matter because someone's wife and best friend just passed away right, but it was....hard for me to distinguish how I felt in this moment. I felt myself still withholding forgiveness from this guy, which realizing and writing here is hard thing for me to admit. I'm ashamed of that. And not because this guys wife had just died-or maybe it was-I honestly don't know except it certainly was a trigger- because after 3 years, even though I hadn't really consciously thought about those initial impressions, it was clear in my heart ... I had hardly forgotten, and perhaps I wasn't entirely over it. I thought I could and would have been in all this time. Forgiveness was never a difficult thing for me, until encounters like this one. This bothers me, but I digress....

 

 We speculated together after their phone call if he should go out and spend some time with his dad and half brothers. That conversation didn't last long. We were confused. Stunned even. And we ended up just leaving it on the table until the next day.

 

The next day I woke up and knew he was going to tell me he felt like he needed to go. I knew this, because I felt the same way. I may not approve of this guy's morals, but if there was something, anything, my husband could do, to help him or the kids for a few days, I knew it was the right choice and a good thing. And I had an impression, despite my overall feelings of caution, all of this would be for his benefit and ultimately, he would gain from the experience...something. I didn't know what.. but I knew this mans life changing forever, would change my family forever also. I encouraged Cristian to learn more about his dad's life, to take lots of pictures with him, his dad, and his half brothers, and to really throw himself into this sobering experience.

 

We booked him a ticket and he started packing. Remember above where I mentioned the colors of the neighborhood are still something he subconsciously emits. He was packing, and I noticed he was being extremely selective, nothing with any type of blue. I asked him about it, and he said he must have gone into that "mode". Interesting.He was gone the next day.
 I didn't hear much from Cristian while he was in California. He was busy helping his dad with the children, his half brothers who he had never met, funeral arrangements, family drama, and all the tedious paperwork which must make a death just...that much harder, and painful to get through. We video called in the morning and at night, and texted a little bit throughout the days, because I had my own things to do with Violet-though we did have the opportunity to briefly meet his brothers over video call, and speak to his dad. He was gone for 5 days.

 

And what I learned when he came home from this trip, is the 2nd side to the story.