Real Talk// Balance

Violet getting upset because her blanket wouldn't cover her toes.
Also upset and confused because she wants the windows to be down in the car when we drive, but does not want the wind blowing in her face.

I mean...things like this are a daily struggle these days. She makes up for it though by being extra kissy and cuddly. I actually lost count of how many times she grabbed my face, planted a sweet kiss on my face and wrapped her sweet little arms around my neck while saying "I  wuv you so much mama!".

It kills me.
She drives me nuts but I can't help but love the little twerp,

The extra irritation I have been feeling may also have something to do with the fact that I recently cut all sugar out of my diet. It took 5 days of excruciating headaches for my body to adjust, and that tells me I was consuming WAY more sugar then was healthy. I dunno. I've been struggling a lot with my weight.

I broke down the other day to Cristian and expressed how frustrated I was. Obviously when I was single and not a mother I had copious amounts of time to take care of myself-and I did. I was fit, I could run for miles and leg press more then 3 of myself. I biked anywhere I needed to go and was very careful with what I ate. I made sure I was dressed well, and put together with my hair done and whatever minimal make up I decided to wear.

Now, I don't have 3 hours a day to go and get a good workout in, and some days I don't even make it into the shower. It's not always easy to pay careful attention to my diet when there are so many things going on all the time. I freak out. I either obsess about it to a point of making myself sick, or totally drop everything and get lazy, and depressed because I can't bring myself to do anything. It's been crippling. I would try and go to the gym or on a run after we had dinner at night, or before but I feel guilty leaving Cristian at home with Violet after he's been at his job working hard all day long. I used to do workouts at home but in the middle of a workout, Violet telling me she has to go potty nearly puts me over the edge in anger because I'M JUST TRYING TO RELIEVE SOME STRESS. It doesn't help. It makes me more stressed out trying to do my thing in our living room. I can't do it.

I told Cristian this through a waterfall of tears because I want to have energy, feel comfortable in my own skin, and create an excellent lifestyle for the 3 of us. He said something that stopped me in my tracks...

"Chelsea, you're living your life like you are a single mom, and that's offensive to me. You are not single. We are married. I am your husband and partner. For life. And you are supposed to let me to help you. Let me help you."

After thinking and crying about it for a few more moments cuddled up in his arms I realized he was right. I can't accomplish any of those goals (having more energy, feeling comfortable in my own skin, or creating a healthy life for us) if I don't take some time to care for myself. Because I'm not. I've never felt more out of shape and down about how I feel physically in my life. I hate feeling tired ALL DAY LONG. I hate feeling sick because of the food I put into my body. And I hate how it affects my relationship with my daughter and husband. They aren't getting the best of me because I'm not giving myself a break to change all the things that are bringing me down physically.

I've let the guilt of not being with Violet EVERY SINGLE MOMENT OF EVERY DAY cause me to lose all the outlets I used to have to handle the stresses of daily life. Outlets like biking, and running, and lifting, and trying new healthy recipes. Not to mention spending time outside my primary roles of wife and mama, like with friends. Friends. When was the last time I spent good quality time with friend. I don't even know, and it's not okay anymore.

So today we went about signing me up for a gym membership. I know things aren't going to change right away, and gradually I am going to have to find a groove that works for me, and for Violet, and for Cristian but it's a start.
I just need to remember as Cristian said "that a good healthy routine might not evolve overnight, but we'll work on it together".

Ugh. I'm so happy this guy is my guy ya know? I'm so grateful for his love and support, and confidence in me as a woman, his wife, and as the mama of our daughter. I would be lost without him. He always knows exactly what to say when I'm down on myself and discouraged about my progress just as a person. So blessed he is mine.

So here's to taking things day by day and coming out of this trial on top and more confident then I've been in years.