A Holiday// A Fishing Staycation

It was later then usual. By this time the clattering of teacup dishes, an episode of "Bananas and Pajamas", and abrupt bouts of 3 year old giggles have filled our home with its familiar hum. I'd be up, though still in pajamas, with frizzy bed head abundant putting ingredients together for a simple but filling lunch; Cristian would be home for a break in about a half hours time.

Instead he's next to me, breathing heavily while the clouds of silver and iron bloom across the sky outside the bedroom windows. It's quiet and calm this morning, as it was last night when Violet left for her first ever sleepover at Ma & Pa's house.

 A special treat for her, a needed treat for us, a first for all three of us.

Our comforter is worn and weathered in the best way and the thought of sinking deeper into it to enjoy just another hours sleep or so is absolutely charming, but it's time to get going. It's hard, but eventually we peel away those soft white linens and ready ourselves for a day of fishing, just the two of us.

As we head out the door, fishing poles and tackle boxes haphazardly filling the backseat, the gravid clouds finally break with a sprinkle of rain. Neither one of us had wanted to puzzle together a breakfast with all the odd veggies, fruits, and miscellaneous items from the cupboards. A stop at the gas station for bait, and a  $2 deal for 2 warm and greasy crispitas and 2 small burritos later and we are prepared and on our way. Opening packets of spicy Cholula and applying the sauce to the slightly oiled wraps wasn't exactly my idea of a breakfast, but I can't deny there was something comforting about the heartiness of our meager meal paired with the warm drizzle steadily hitting the windshield.

We drove the 20-30 minutes to the dam, crossing the railroad tracks, traveling down a steep dirt hill and parked a few meters away from the bridge under construction. Bug spray, supplies, bottles of water in hand, we made our way down to the river. It's low, perfect for catfish and perhaps the occasional carpe and bass. It's also perfect for swamp-like conditions; slippery green algae a plenty, and the sharp buzzing of gnats and mossies.

We ready our lines with wriggly night crawlers and make our first casts. Immediately Cristian hooks a small catfish and sets the pace for the day. The rain helps with getting the fish to bite and very soon we are catching fish at a pretty steady pace, I even hooked my first bass. I struggle now and then with getting hooks out and once with a pretty big tangle in the line, but we keep at it. No cell phone service, no music, nothing but the steady beats of nature to entertain our senses. Drips from rain drops, splashes from jumping fish catching mosquitos or flies, the squish of mud underneath our boots; and it's all beautiful.

There are big fish in these waters. We watch as they occasionally surface to show off their large scales and fins, we search for the large dark spots in the water where they rest, teasing and taunting us by being JUST outside our reach, or, within and not showing any interest in the bait. Every now and then one will stir and get close enough to see color, causing large ripples to undulate out to the rocks where we stand.

 It's infuriating, but also fascinating. It's all about patience, and casting over and over again; something we need to be subjected to here and there to put things into perspective. I don't think it's ever really about catching a fish (though I will not deny the absolute THRILL of feeling a tug on the line), but more about the peace, rawness and unknown which comes from working at nature's slow, steady pace. Maybe you won't catch anything, maybe you will catch the big one, but either way I always feel more equipped to face our fast paced world after spending a few hours on the river. I don't want to analyze it too much, it's a pleasure, it's a joy, it's an adventure and this little get away was exactly what we needed.

A Short Update//

 I wish things were quieter and softer and less often.

The last few weeks I've just been feeling completely overwhelmed. There's a lot of things. It actually got to a point where I went to see my doctor about increasing my dosage of anti-depressants and to get a few blood tests done to check my vitamin D and thyroid. She did, but 4 days into them (the anti-depressants) I started to feel tired, but hyped up and just weird. I called in and they said it takes about a week for it to really kick in so that was a relief. Also found out my thyroid is fine, but my vitamin D was extremely low. This made NO sense to me because we are outside most of the day, every day. I explained this but she said if you have darker skin it's harder for your body to absorb vitamin D. Anyway, I was recommended a supplement. Also both my mom and Cristian noticed some freckles on my face that had appeared, some that had gotten bigger, and some that had gotten darker which is a sign of melanoma (skin cancer). I also had a mole appear on my stomach a few months ago out of nowhere.
I've put off getting some of these things checked out (the mole in particular) because we don't currently have health insurance. It's hard when you can't afford to get health insurance, but also can't afford to NOT have it. We're in limbo, limbo, limbo just trying to figure out what we can change so we can somehow afford it.

Adult-ing is hard.

That being said, take care of yourselves you guys. If something about your health is concerning you, have it checked out. If your mental health is suffering, see a doctor. These doctors appointments are really adding up as far as money, but my mental health is on the upswing, the vitamin D supplement has been giving me more energy, and I go in for a small biopsy this coming Tuesday to have that mole removed to test for cancer cells. Your health is important, and I don't know how we're going to pay for all of these things, but quality of life is more important to me and my family then money. Money will always be a stress. It's always going to be a thing. It's never going away, but if you can improve a degrading quality of life, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH.

Ugh. Everything has just felt so loud, and harsh, and all the time and I just want to lay down, in the dark and quiet, and just be. I've taken myself off  FB. Yes, I posted this on FB but you can do that without actually being ON FB. The recent marriage equality ruling caused a lot of....opinions on my feed. And when I say opinions I mean some serious disrespect from people on both sides of the issues. Unwarranted name calling and generalizing. True colors were shown, and  I wish I wasn't so disappointed by the way people behaved. It made me sad and started to really stress me out. For now, I'm done with FB and I hope if I go back, there will be a little more love, respect, and positivity from FB world.

Violet is so 3 these days. Everything must be done and said with the volume on full, she is more full of energy now then she ever has been and is overflowing with personality. At times, it's just SO much to handle. She is..... so much, because there is so much a 3 year old is curious about. I'm not sentencing well, it's hard to describe the muchness that is Violet. It's everywhere man, she is everywhere, and everything, all the time. From the minute she wakes up, to the second she goes to bed there's so much. I want to WANT to have a 2nd child but I just don't feel that way as often as I should to make it be a serious possibility. November is creeping up so fast, and I'm just not feeling ready to be pregnant again.

Maybe we just need to finally get ourselves a dog, as terrible as that may sound to some of you.

Cristian is putting up with all of this graciously btw, and I'm so grateful for his unwavering support, and friendship. He's my rock, the person I can count on all the time at my best, and importantly, my worst. I'm weird, and stressed, and not enjoying motherhood 100% right now, but he's constantly loving me regardless and supporting and filling in the spaces as I find myself less able to fill them the last few weeks. Have you ever felt like you just don't want to do anything with life, for the rest of your life? That's what I've been feeling.

Bills? I'm so done with that crap.
Routine? Step off.
The daily demands of being a mom and wife? Bite me.
Basic hygiene? Get. Out. Of. My. Face. Dude.

This is what it's come down to tonight.

I'm done with this valley, this state, this routine. THIS. I am done with it.
We leave for Colorado in several weeks, and I hope we like it so much we can't stand to be anywhere else, that Cristian can get a transfer, and that we can be SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!
Cross your fingers people, and your toes.


Woah, that turned out a little more intense and dramatic then I expected.

*disclaimer*
This post is not a totally accurate picture of life at the Navas home. We're actually pretty okay, just adult-ing, which can be stressssssssssful