I Am A Mommy

I am a mommy.
Sometimes I don't believe it though.
Some days I wake up in the morning and wonder what that noise coming from the second bedroom is. Sometimes I see Violet toddling around, pulling everything out of the cupboards and I think "When did THIS happen" and... "My goodness, that baby girl right there, the one with bright green peas smashed into her hair and blackberry smoothie dripping down her face... she's mine".

I've only been a mommy for about year, but it's been the most life changing...change... of my life. It definitely surpassed getting my driving license, graduating from high school, and traveling solo around Venice Italy at 19-obviously. The only thing which could trump giving birth to a child and becoming fully responsible for another human being, for me, would be marrying Cristian-the absolute love of my life. But those two things happened basically at the same time so I was double slammed.

Wife and mother, within a few months of each other. It's turned my world upside down.
I don't know much about being a mom, but I've learned a few things in my short experience. And that's what this post is about. All the things I've learned.

When I saw Violet for the first time, purple, crying, and all mine-that's when it hit me. I had no idea what I was doing. Uh......I don't know what to do with this thing-help! I realized then and there that no matter how much you prepare for motherhood and plan out how you'll execute that role, you really can't. That was hard to adjust to. For the first time in my life, all my planning was for nothing.  Absolutely nothing. I've never felt so lost, and from what I'd understood up to this point was that it would come "naturally". That's really what they told me. What a bunch of garbage.

Next was I hadn't given my own mother enough credit for taking care of me, and for loving me. My mom had been by my side throughout my whole pregnancy. She was the one who got the 3 in the morning phone calls when my anxiety kicked into hysterics. And now that's me waking up in the middle of the night to calm my own child. She's the one who came with me to most of my appointments. I'm the one who takes Violet to all of HER appointments. She was the one that helped me get up off the couch when I needed help. I am constantly encouraging Violet to pick herself back up when she trips or bonks her head. And my mom was the one I called the first night home with Violet when everything came crashing down on me. The responsibility of being a mom is terrifying. It's scary (still) to think I will never be out of this role. I will always be a mother. That role and title are never going away.

It wasn't just throughout my pregnancy though-obviously. My whole life my mother has been a warrior. Now I have a year under my belt I realize how much garbage I was fed about "being a new mom", how much work it is, and I worry about how I'll live up to my mom. I worry on a daily basis if I'm simply going to survive. AND that my own daughter will not understand until she has her own babies.

I've learned I wouldn't be half the mother I think I am or that I think I COULD be without my wonderful husband. He can't help me in the same ways my own mother can, but they share that trait. My mom can't help me with the things that he can. Because of Cristian I am able to be a stay-at-home mom. I get to see her laugh and cry every day. I have the opportunity to be the primary nurturer in our home, and I have the privilege of being with her most of the day. He's one of the hardest working men I know. He can calm down the "crazy" when no one else can and no one has been able to make me laugh while I'm crying except him. He's my better half. And I get to try and be the kind of mother I want to be because of his sacrifices.

Some of the things I've learned are a little bit lighter.
Like while I now have to change diapers, I will probably never be able to pee or shower in peace again. That no matter how meticulously you clean your house, your baby will find something to play in or put in her mouth . That the only thing that really matters about a new toy is the packaging it came in. That sometimes food is for eating, and sometimes it's for throwing. That I can forget about keeping to a set schedule for about the next 5 years-maybe longer. That I'll be taking things day by day for a while. That it's okay to walk away when a tantrum kicks in. That I can semi-handle a tantrum is a big thing for me. That if I'm going to keep up with her, then exercise and healthy eating HAVE to be my lifestyle. That she's going to fall, and get hurt, and that's okay. That when she wants to give you a kiss with snot running down her face, you let her do it, and you will survive it. That you really can't judge anyone else's parenting "style". You don't know my life. It's fine if I sniff my babies butt from time to time to see if she needs changing. Maybe she'll be in a mis-matched outfit today. Maybe her hair looks like a mess because she pulls out any bow, clip, or band I put in it. Maybe I look like a mess too.

Mostly I've learned that it's an adventure to be a mommy. A non-stop, sun up to sun down adventure full of calm and chaotic moments, nightmares and dreams, all rolled into one. And while sometimes the whole thing makes me want to crumple into a corner rocking back and forth crying, it really is the best thing ever, and I wouldn't change it for anything.


Happy Mother's Day all your lovely ladies out there :D