I don't know.
I guess I'm just stressed and frustrated with many things. My goal is to be as positive as I can be through the waiting periods of my life. Right now it seems as though I'm waiting for a lot of things. No. That's not quite right.
That makes it seems as though I'm sitting around. I'm not. I'm working towards many things and am actively and consciously trying to achieve very specific goals.
I'm not trying to just float along with everything right now, but it's felt like no matter how specific or detailed my goals are, and my plans to execute them...the outcomes are just not happening.
I've been having chronic back pain for awhile. It includes my neck and shoulders. I've been to some doctors, I exercise, I do specific movements which are supposed to help and nothing works. My chest nearly tripled in size through pregnancy and afterwards when I began nursing Violet. It's been about a year since I stopped breast feeding Violet and they have not shrunk, and unfortunately I am STILL lactating. I feel most of this upper body pain comes from being extremely top heavy. My bra is constantly cutting grooves into my shoulders and I feel like a reduction is the only thing which will help. I'm worried and stressed about that.
I gained 32 lbs with Violet. I have lost a measly 2 of those pounds. We've changed our eating, I've done Insanity (twice) and followed the "rules" to a "t", Cristian and I go running twice a week together, I count my calories to make sure I don't go over 1400 a day..I mean... I don't know what else to do. I refuse to take diet pills or anything like that. Not my thing. But it hurts to run and work out with my chest being so enormous. It's frustrating to not see many more options to try with this problem. It's hard not being able to run as far and as hard as I could before pregnancy. My hips start to hurt badly after 2-3 miles, my chest and back hurt the whole time and it's difficult to find bras which offer support but also allow me to breathe unrestricted.
Food is an issue. I feel like everything I eat (besides watermelon, and raw vegetables) upset my stomach or digestion somehow. Also my skin. We've tried a lot of things over the last year. Diary free. Gluten free. Less carbs. More protein. Wheat free. Paleo. Everything makes me feel bloated, big, uncomfortable. I just don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried eating less then 1400 and the result is me being irritable and lazy. I know eating more then 1400 isn't the answer.
Sleep. This is also an issue. Violet goes to bed about 9pm. It would be earlier but I like Cristian to see her for a few hours at night since he doesn't see her the rest of the day. He also really enjoys putting her to bed which is adorable. I would ideally like to go to bed earlier but once she's in bed we finally have time to ourselves and I can't make myself give that up. I'm tired all the time though. Getting up reasonably early and going to bed very late (or early depending how you look at it). Violet hardly takes naps during the day anymore so sneaking one in during the day is a rare luxury.
I'm trying to have relationships outside of my family. I miss my friends. I love being home with my girl and with Cristian at night but sometimes I just want a good laugh with friends, or an experience that is outside my regular routine. I'm trying to find this. I have been unsuccessful. I thought I would find something like that in my ward but with each semester there's a new batch of people and it's hard to maintain friendships and even playmates for Violet.
I've been thinking about having another child. But with all of this it's just laughable. I am no in the position to dive into another pregnancy, and I worry if I can't figure any of this out that I'll never feel able or comfortable enough to do it again. And that would be very sad for me. And for Cristian.
I can't tell if my medication needs to be adjusted. I can't tell if I need more or less. I can't figure it out. I also no longer have Health Insurance so the thought of going to the doctor for anything else but an absolute emergency is off the table for now. I just have to deal for the next couple of months and hopefully things stay okay until we can figure out a provider we can afford right now.
I want to build a home and get a dog for Violet. She needs an animal. I need an animal. Cristian needs an animal. We are just animal people. And we really need a dog. A big furry, slobbery, dog. I think that would do wonders for us. We also need a yard where Violet can play safely.
Cristian needs to be given the store he was promised the beginning of the year. They need to figure that out. He deserves it. He's hungry for it. He's been so patient.
There's just a lot.
Thought junkyard indeed.
I guess I should add something positive. My family and I are going on our first vacation together the beginning of next week FOR a week. We are headed down the St. George area to do some hiking through the narrows, grand canyon, and zions. Fishing and jet skiing in Lake Powell. A children's museum and dinosaur discovery site for Violet. Swimming and eating at my favorite restaurant IN THE WORLD (so far), and then on the way back home stopping at Thanksgiving Point to check it out. I'm really excited about it. We are long overdue for this type of break and it will be good for us to get out of the valley and enjoy some sun and fresh air.
And then in August, Cristian and I are planning on going to Colorado for a belated honeymoon, since I was 5 months pregnant when we were married. Pretty excited about that also.
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