Real Talk//

I haven't posted in awhile, and it's mostly because things have been really difficult lately. I'm having a really hard time, with no one thing in particular, but with a whole bucketful of things. There's not much I can do to really change any of it, except to write about it and maybe feel some sort of relief, no matter how minimal.

We are supposed to be moving in a little over a month. We are moving into my parents for 6 months to care for my brother while they go to California, Ireland, and China. 6 months ago they said they were going to start giving their house the ultimate decluttering. This was comforting for me. I don't do well in clutter, I can't focus, I feel stressed out, it bothers me greatly. Besides being a comfort, it was also a relief we would be able to fit all of our stuff in their house while they were gone. We don't have much, and I have been doing a little dejunking of my own with our belongings. However,  2 people who live in the house have yet to move out, and 1 does little to nothing to help keep the house clean, clean dishes, or anything involving housework. Every time I go over there I can see no progress has been made and with a month to go I fear we will be moving into all the clutter, and then be expected to take care of it while living there. Which, if that ends up being the outcome of this, we will be ordering dump truck and just loading it up with anything WE think my parents no longer have use for, and getting it out of there because I just can't. I can't live in that house the way it is now. I can barely handle going out there 1 day a week for work and end up cleaning the downstairs almost every time I go out there because it physically, mentally, and emotionally BOTHERS me so much.

I don't think this is some kind of disorder, I just like things organized, clean, and fresh. I feel like that's how we are SUPPOSED to live.
I'm really stressed out about it. Cristian told my parents we would be willing to go out there the next several Tuesdays to clean, but it's not really our responsibility. And whatever we sort through, they will just sort through again themselves so why not just eliminate the middle man?

Anyway.

The car needed to get new tires a few weeks ago. The wires were showing and apparently need some part that would cost about $500 (that would include labor) to fix. Cristian is a mechanic so if he did the labor himself if would cost us about $300 which isn't much better. It's getting to a point with our vehicle where it may just not be worth it to keep putting money into it, and to just get a new one. Of course we are not able to do that right now, even with a cosigner because we wouldn't even be able to afford the insurance.

We can't afford health insurance no matter how we try and spin things, and that means no babies in the foreseeable future. I don't know if I'm okay with this, or upset about it. But either way it would be silly to get pregnant when we financially have now way to be responsible about it, so there ya go.

Speaking of money, my doctor won't give me refills on my anti-depressants unless I go and have another appointment with her, which will cost about $100 which we don't have. And I will probably need to get my toe frozen again, which is also another $100 which we don't have. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off the pills so we no longer have to pay for those (each refill is anywhere from $15-$30), and I'm just hoping I don't turn into a crazy person and can find a way to deal with my depression in a different way.

Speaking of that, Cristian and I gave ourselves an early Christmas present; personal trainers from now until about the middle of January in an effort to get fit and back in shape, and healthier. We've been at it for 1 week now, and Cristian is doing amazing. It's part of a competition and right now Cristian is in 5th while I'm not even on the charts. I'm having a really hard time with it. I thought doing this as a couple would be really good, but it seems like the more he excels, the more I digress. I'm really overweight, and even though I don't need anyone to tell me that, there is one family member who likes to constantly remind me, while praising Cristian on looking so good. It's REALLY great motivation, and for any of you who end up reading this and are confused that was SARCASM.
I've been trying to get in shape for last 4 years. Nothing I have done on my own has helped in the long run, and the last time I had a personal trainer it really helped me, motivated me, and changed my life. The competition was there too, and that was a great incentive to get extra workouts in and eat right, get enough sleep, etc.

I was also single, and didn't have any responsibilities that come along with marriage, wifedom, or motherhood. I had more time. I also had my own car, and a schedule that didn't have to include Violet, Cristian, when I would have the car, when Cristian would get off work (which is never when he's supposed to), when Violet naps, or eats, or is sick, or cranky, or what specific days are the only ones we can get laundry done, and meal prep for the week, etc. It doesn't feel doable to me, and as of this moment while I write....I'm just done with it.

It just feels like my life is a failure any way I look at it, and I'm just done.
I hope my next post is happier, I dunno. Peace out.

Motherhood// A Teaching Moment

Today Violet and I headed out to my parents house after taking Cristian back to work, with the intention of walking the dogs up the canyon. Upon arrival we found out all the dogs were getting their haircuts. We decided to head up the canyon anyways, but as we were passing the cemetery Violet decided she wanted to go there instead. We always pass one on our way out to her grandparents, and she's been asking to go for awhile but we've never had the time. We are either hurrying to get to my job, or leaving my job when it's already late and past her bedtime by the time work is over.

So, we backtracked and turned into the cemetery, found a shady place to park and hopped out.

We walked hand in hand around the place with her commenting on all the flowers, toys, wreaths, pumpkins, and other trinkets that were left by loved ones.

She asked me why all of these things were left there (she found one small grave with 2 toys cars placed on top and was wanting to play with them). I explained to her the tombstones were markers for where people had died and been buried, and the decorations and personal items left were there as a way to remember those people.

I had the opportunity to explain to her about our spirits and she readily recognized the idea of an afterlife where we go to be with our Heavenly Father and Jesus after spending a life on earth. Most of the tombstones she was interested in also had engraved temples on them, the Logan one she easily recognizes as the temple "Grandma goes to all the time". She tells me almost daily that me, her, and Grandma will go to the temple one day, and mentions Cristian coming too.

I keep the thought of this happening in the deepest part of my heart, its my greatest desire and the day it happens I'm sure my heart will literally burst in happiness. I don't talk about the gospel much on here, and I guess most of it is because I feel very unqualified to do so. I'm far from perfect, so speaking or writing about things that are sacred to me isn't something I just do naturally-also the reason this blog entry wasn't posted of FB. I also fear the things I believe most and know are true will somehow be attacked-something I don't know if I could bear. So I keep it to myself, but as we were standing there talking about how much Heavenly Father loves us thoughts from a previous blessing came back to me.

The promise that if I do my part, to the best of my ability, that I will receive the deepest desires of my heart-to be sealed for time and all eternity to my own family.

I'm struggling right now.
Certain aspects of my health have been a worry for a while now, and I have difficulty with depression. It's difficult for me to make friends, and because I'm in a part member family it's hard for me to feel comfortable attending certain church related activities on my own. All of these things I signed up for, but you never really know what those things mean until you're IN the situation .That moment today though has given me renewed perspective and hope that who I am now is not who I will remain.
I can better myself, there always room for improvement.
I can do hard things.
I can make goals and accomplish them.
Nothing is impossible, and EVERYTHING is possible if I do my part.

All of this from a detour requested by my beautiful 3 year old daughter.
Thank you Violet.

Random TidBits

Health Food I Will Not Eat:
kale. it is so gross
ground turkey/turkey bacon (nope, just no)
green tea


Things I Believe In:
cooking without shoes on
taking my bra off as soon as I enter my house
naps
restless leg syndrome
anxiety
lavender linen spray
massages
eating outside
hammocks

Big Dreams:
being sealed
buying or renting an airstream and traveling up the west coast for 6 months w/ my family
finding an online job that will WORK
growing an enormous garden, including fruit trees
having a pet dog, and goat, and chickens
Cristian having a shop to work in
60lbs+ weight loss and more energy
harry potter studio in London
more travel in general
no debt

Big Dreams I Have Already Accomplished:
humanitarian projects (Guatemala, Thailand)
Italy, specifically Venice
Australia, multiple times
marriage/child
living in a different state (Arizona, yeah yeah, it's not far from here)
auditioning (singing) for a part in a play (even though I didn't make the cut)
ultimate loser (SARC)
Colorado
child birth