I haven't posted in awhile, and it's mostly because things have been really difficult lately. I'm having a really hard time, with no one thing in particular, but with a whole bucketful of things. There's not much I can do to really change any of it, except to write about it and maybe feel some sort of relief, no matter how minimal.
We are supposed to be moving in a little over a month. We are moving into my parents for 6 months to care for my brother while they go to California, Ireland, and China. 6 months ago they said they were going to start giving their house the ultimate decluttering. This was comforting for me. I don't do well in clutter, I can't focus, I feel stressed out, it bothers me greatly. Besides being a comfort, it was also a relief we would be able to fit all of our stuff in their house while they were gone. We don't have much, and I have been doing a little dejunking of my own with our belongings. However, 2 people who live in the house have yet to move out, and 1 does little to nothing to help keep the house clean, clean dishes, or anything involving housework. Every time I go over there I can see no progress has been made and with a month to go I fear we will be moving into all the clutter, and then be expected to take care of it while living there. Which, if that ends up being the outcome of this, we will be ordering dump truck and just loading it up with anything WE think my parents no longer have use for, and getting it out of there because I just can't. I can't live in that house the way it is now. I can barely handle going out there 1 day a week for work and end up cleaning the downstairs almost every time I go out there because it physically, mentally, and emotionally BOTHERS me so much.
I don't think this is some kind of disorder, I just like things organized, clean, and fresh. I feel like that's how we are SUPPOSED to live.
I'm really stressed out about it. Cristian told my parents we would be willing to go out there the next several Tuesdays to clean, but it's not really our responsibility. And whatever we sort through, they will just sort through again themselves so why not just eliminate the middle man?
Anyway.
The car needed to get new tires a few weeks ago. The wires were showing and apparently need some part that would cost about $500 (that would include labor) to fix. Cristian is a mechanic so if he did the labor himself if would cost us about $300 which isn't much better. It's getting to a point with our vehicle where it may just not be worth it to keep putting money into it, and to just get a new one. Of course we are not able to do that right now, even with a cosigner because we wouldn't even be able to afford the insurance.
We can't afford health insurance no matter how we try and spin things, and that means no babies in the foreseeable future. I don't know if I'm okay with this, or upset about it. But either way it would be silly to get pregnant when we financially have now way to be responsible about it, so there ya go.
Speaking of money, my doctor won't give me refills on my anti-depressants unless I go and have another appointment with her, which will cost about $100 which we don't have. And I will probably need to get my toe frozen again, which is also another $100 which we don't have. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off the pills so we no longer have to pay for those (each refill is anywhere from $15-$30), and I'm just hoping I don't turn into a crazy person and can find a way to deal with my depression in a different way.
Speaking of that, Cristian and I gave ourselves an early Christmas present; personal trainers from now until about the middle of January in an effort to get fit and back in shape, and healthier. We've been at it for 1 week now, and Cristian is doing amazing. It's part of a competition and right now Cristian is in 5th while I'm not even on the charts. I'm having a really hard time with it. I thought doing this as a couple would be really good, but it seems like the more he excels, the more I digress. I'm really overweight, and even though I don't need anyone to tell me that, there is one family member who likes to constantly remind me, while praising Cristian on looking so good. It's REALLY great motivation, and for any of you who end up reading this and are confused that was SARCASM.
I've been trying to get in shape for last 4 years. Nothing I have done on my own has helped in the long run, and the last time I had a personal trainer it really helped me, motivated me, and changed my life. The competition was there too, and that was a great incentive to get extra workouts in and eat right, get enough sleep, etc.
I was also single, and didn't have any responsibilities that come along with marriage, wifedom, or motherhood. I had more time. I also had my own car, and a schedule that didn't have to include Violet, Cristian, when I would have the car, when Cristian would get off work (which is never when he's supposed to), when Violet naps, or eats, or is sick, or cranky, or what specific days are the only ones we can get laundry done, and meal prep for the week, etc. It doesn't feel doable to me, and as of this moment while I write....I'm just done with it.
It just feels like my life is a failure any way I look at it, and I'm just done.
I hope my next post is happier, I dunno. Peace out.
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