This blog post is a continuation of "2 Sides To Every Story, And The Effects"; a closer look at how Cristian's dad remembers things. If you missed and care to read part 1 you can find it HERE.
Cristian left for California the morning of Sunday May 17th. He took one backpack stuffed with necessities, and a whole lot of nervous energy. He was off to see his dad, who had just lost his wife, He hasn't had much face-to-face time with him, or his family-including his 2 half brothers. He also never actually met his stepmom, though we did receive some onsies, socks, and other apparel from her through the mail around the birth of Violet.
I mentioned in the post proceeding this one I didn't hear much from Cristian while he was gone. Video calling morning and night, and minimal texting throughout the day. The moments when we would talk, it always seemed like there was so much family drama going on. At one point the stress between his dad and his dad's MIL built up so much, he told me he was tempted to call my dad and have him, my mom, and myself pray for this woman to relax. I don't know if Cristian ever contacted my father. To my knowledge, he didn't. I just want to point out, Cristian recognizes the power of family and prayer, something incredibly important to me.
I want to pause here to talk a little bit about what happened with his stepmom, before I go back to talking about Cristian's seemingly estranged father and his life.
Cristian's stepmom died of a brain tumor. 3 years ago she started having random pain in her hand. It would come and go, and the NEXT time it would come it would be worse, and last longer. I don't know how long it took for them to figure out it was a tumor. But apparently there is a type of brain tumor only detectable once it reaches a highly severe stage. I'm no doctor, I'm not going to pretend I know more then what I've been told so, bare with me. She went through surgery. The cancer was gone, but so were a lot of other things. She couldn't walk, she couldn't speak, simple tasks were very difficult for her. Cristian told me a story of her needing to be retaught how to eat soup. She would try and use a fork, and then once she got the right utensil she couldn't understand she had to put the spoon in the soup to scoop it up, and then guide it to her mouth. She had to relearn how to speak through lots of therapy. His dad helped through all of this, and also had a 7 year old son, and 3 year old son with autism to care for. He was also trying to hold a fulltime job.
5 months ago she was hospitalized. We didn't know this. We didn't even know she was sick. She and Cristian's dad knew this time, she probably wouldn't make it, and started to make plans for what would happen after she passed away. This is the reason why Cristian went out there. To be a support for his dad, to help out with the children, and to listen whenever anyone needed to talk.
This story isn't about all the painful and complicated things that happened between the family while Cristian was there. There was plenty of drama, and still is, but I want to focus on Cristian and his dad's side of the story. Over the 5 days, he asked his dad about...well, I'm not entirely sure what. But whatever he asked, these were the answers:
When Cristian's mom went into labor, his dad was there. He actually was the one to give her a ride to the hospital. He even remembers the make and model of the car he drove-a white Toyota Corolla. He remembers she was in labor for awhile. At about 5am he left to go and grab some food, who knows how long he was gone for, but when he came back she had delivered Cristian. This in my mind is totally possible. Between the time I started pushing with Violet to the time she was pulled out and put on the scale was 29 minutes.
He told Cristian they had actually lived together until Cristian was, wait for it....4 years old. I asked Cristian about this, because it would seem to me you'd have to remember SOMETHING about that right? He honestly doesn't recall a single thing. He has no memory of his dad ever being there. He told his dad this. His dad said to go through his mom's photos. Apparently there are photos of him holding Cristian in the hospital, and somewhere, a photo of him, Cristian, and their dog at the time cuddled up in bed. We haven't gone over to search through all the photos, but it's certainly on our agenda to try and find these prints.
Cristian must have asked why they separated, because he found this out: His mom was the one who left his dad. They had big plans to own a house, have more children, and get married. It sounds like it was a pretty serious relationship, but something came in the way. Something which I think comes in the way of lots of marriages, and/or serious relationships: Money.
He says there were a few times bills of $600 or more showed up for their phones, and he explained this by saying that Aura's (Cristian's mom) mom lived in Guatemala and they talked on the phone frequently. There were other things; her side of the family always wanting money for something, more mysterious bills, gambling. Eventually his dad just started saying no whenever she asked for money, and her sisters would put into her head it was because he didn't REALLY love her, or REALLY care for her. At some point, she ended up leaving, and taking Cristian with her.
Just want to clarify, this is his DAD'S side of the story. No one else's.
They didn't really have contact with each other for awhile, but then she wanted child support, and back filed for 5 years. He said it was a regular occurrence to have $2000 disappear out of his paychecks, and this was hard because he was trying to make a life for himself since they were gone now. To this day, no one will ever know what the money was actually used for, but I thought it was interesting his dad, and the courts decided to open up a bank account for Cristian instead of sending his mom the money. And I mentioned earlier, Cristian never saw any of the money-still hasn't seen any of the money- his dad was sending him. Apparently he paid up until Cristian's 18th birthday. This was all news to Cristian.
His dad has lots of memories of Cristian those first 4 years. Playing with the dog, and other special moments. And again encouraged Cristian to look for the photos. He said he tried to have a relationship with him, and I can see the truth behind that. The letters, the phone calls here and there, the gifts and money. He says he really did put in the effort, but he also had his own life. His own family, a job, soon kids to take care of and a wife. He hasn't just been out partying for the last decade or two being an irresponsible and unreliable adult. And it didn't help that Aura eventually moved with Cristian to Utah (Cristian would go back later to start and finish college).
I tried to not, but I had to ask Cristian if he mentioned the text he sent that put him, in my mind, as a pretty sketchy character. He didn't ask his dad about the text, but he did say, from what he saw during those 5 days, it seemed like it could be a flaw in his sense of humor. Let me just say that if it is his sense of humor, it's in really bad taste. But okay, if it's your sense of humor, there's not much I can say about it.
We talked about the differences in the stories. Who knows which one is true, or if there are bits of the truth in each story. We'll never know, and that's okay. But there are things in Cristian's mind that make his dad's story seem more likely. The biggest one being habits with money on his mom's side. Won't go into any details here, but in my experience as Cristian's wife-there's no denying the truth about this one. Cristian wonders if those early 4 years he somehow blocked, or, his words, he was "brainwashed". And it's sad, because in an indirect way I feel the same way too. When you hear one side of the story for so long-for Cristian, his whole life, and for me, since I've BEEN in his life-it's a rollercoaster to hear another set of circumstances that could very well be the truth.
We both feel like we've judged him to harshly. And how sad is that? To go all this time (and I mean, my time is NOTHING compared to Cristian's), thinking all of these terrible things about a person. His bad joke really put me over the edge to a point where I didn't want this guy stepping over the threshold into our home. I didn't want him near my daughter. I worried for Cristian and the influence this guy could have had over him. It seems now he's just a regular guy, with regular flaws, who tried, but it just didn't work out well.
I think we've been feeling a little sad since he came home, trying to process and understand why all of this happened to him, and also how something like this trickles down to other family members and puts a tainted truth in the mix. I don't know the whole of what Cristian thinks about his time in California, but I know I've been humbled and am taking this experience as a way to start fresh with Cristian's dad, and that whole other side to his family which Violet and I haven't met yet.
Things with family are complicated. They hurt sometimes. They don't make sense sometimes. And we may not always know the reason behind choices family members make. There's always more to the story then what you see on the outside, and I think that's the biggest lesson I personally learned from this. There is always more going on, then what you see on the outside.
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